I do not want to write about this, I dont not want to talk about this but i think people want answers and I cant be selfish not at a time like this.

This is not the case of a selfish man, or and unlucky break or a wrongful death, this is addiction plain and simple. Addiction is a disease and AM's passing needs to be viewed the same way you'd view a loved ones struggle with cancer or any number of incurable maladies that can take a human life. Millions of people all over the world suffer and struggle with Addiction, they are our friends, our family, our coworkers and sometimes even our heroes. There is no finger to point, no way to blame an enabler or a drug dealer or even to blame Adam for this loss we simply have to live with it. Here was a man lifted from the gutter, given a second and then a third chance, reborn a god almost, why? we say why would someone with everything risk it all for one last party, one last binge. That is addiction. Adam knew there were no guarantees and knew that he might not make it back if he picked up that pipe, when faced with the option, do this drug or this drink that could destroy my life, or face these demons inside me and live to fight another day and spin another set, he chose or rather his disease chose for him. He was a sick man, and sometimes when we are sick or suffering the last thing we want is the help we really need.

When "Smells Like Teen Spirit" came out I was probably 13 years old, and in one fell swoop Kurt Cobain and co. ruined everything my 13 year old heart held dear. There was no more alternative radio and it was like the police had disbanded my secret club. My Club that knew about The Cure or Morrissey and stayed up past bed time Sunday nights to watch 120 minutes, and knew the lyrics to New Order songs like Temptation, and was excited for the new Lightning Seeds record. The entire earth shifted with that one song and i was so angry and felt so abandoned until i found rap.

Ten years later I moved to New York, dreaming of playing in clubs and being like Stretch Armstrong or Dj Riz, dreamed of playing Disco and "Miss You" by the Rolling Stones to adoring fans. There was no more scratching, no more dj contest, this was it, New York djing. We played late nights, we played on giant rotary mixers and I fucking loved it. Every record carefully selected and packed, just enough to fit in a cab trunk. Just enough disco and classics and rock to make the bungalow 8 crowd happy and all the hip hop and hits i needed to go "urban" all night if i had to, no fat, no excess, nothing u didn't need. 4 Crates in the trunk of a yellow cab, this was my nirvana (in the heaven sense). And then....

Then Adam, I just wanted Ny shit, but the world would not listen to me. god how I hated it, everything I held dear destroyed again, I bucked and bucked and bucked, Refused to scratch, refused to be "clever" sorry no "back beat" mash up crap for me, I just play the songs and try and keep the club going off, I'm not on stage I'm the dj I'm a servant of the people... Adam had to be the star, scratching at all times, making sure you knew it was all about him, tricks galore, the cheesier and more crowd pleasing the better. God how I fucking hated it, my beloved Rane 2016 slowly replaced by TTM 56's, my New York being ruined by this Californian take on things. Then the computer came and with it the last nail in the coffin. Fuck it i said, i can scratch better and double two records better than this guy i might as well make a fucking buck cause nobody wants to hear disco and house while the world is hollertronix crazy I'm just gonna cash in...

In the same way that every hack Seattle band got their shot after Nirvana so did every hack DJ, myself included. I scratched and I posed for pics and got on and off airplanes relentlessly, and in the process got to know this man who some part of me totally loathed for his crime against my culture. Some days I loved him like a brother and some days I wanted to rip his head off for being such a hollywood fag. A wile ago i decided that I did not want to play in AM's pond anymore, it took a lot to let go of the money and the lifestyle it brings but i knew it was not for me anymore and in reality never had been, i was a tourist if you will and my visa was up. One thing that came along with slowing down and stopping was a stronger bond with Adam, no longer bickering about who has the best manager or who the better club djs are or this or that, I was able to let go and really be a friend, or try to be. Maybe I could have done more, shared more about my own demons and fears, my own insecurities, but you never think your not going to get another chance, you don't think that the person with the power to light up a room and to change music forever, to change my life and the life of so many others that this person can lose this battle, be gone in an instant. For better and for worse my life has been completely altered by being in the slip stream behind this man let alone in the inner circle, I have learned so much about myself and music and life in the aftermath of his success. Beyond the US Weekly shit and the Nicole Richie shit, and the TV shows and Million Dollar Deals, beyond all that shit, this one guy loved djing so fucking much that he changed the face of music forever, in the same way that Curt did in the 90s. His influence is that profound.
On Monday another dj my friend Josh got hit by a car on his scooter and died, he was as well loved in his world as AM was in his. I've lost two friends this week, and i am forever changed, I want to be angry and blame Adam still, for picking up that drug, like if i blame him enough it will make sense that Josh got hit by a car and died for no good reason. In reality I'm not angry, accidents happen and I know Adam suffered from an incurable disease, knowledge dose not make this any easier, but i thought writing about it might help, and it has.

For Josh and Adam...

Roctakon.........