I just got back from a weeklong cruise with my extended family, going from Alaska to Canada. If you have never been on a cruise let me just say that it is very entertaining as well as slightly depressing. It's basically an old-people haven, and all the activities correspond accordingly: shuffleboard, mini-golf, hot-tub, karaoke-contests, wine with every meal, etc.

The highlight, however, is the fact that there are on-board artists who peddle their schlock to middle-american families who literally don't know any better. Here is just a small taste of the geniusness on-sale:

What's this piece that features a kid picking his nose while staring at breasts?

Why, it's Young Art Critic, with a starting price of a mere $10,000? I was going to buy a new iMac but you offer a persuasive argument, Barry Leighton Jones!

Let's walk a bit further shall we? Here is a controversial piece featuring grapes swimming in wine, then coming out to take a breathalyser from a cop.

Someone's been reading my dream book!!

But of course I've been saving the summum bonum of high art for last. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you JIM FUCKING WARREN. Already considered a "living legend in the art world," Jim's impressive oeuvre features such recurring themes as Amazonian women, avalanches of snow turning into galloping horses, simultaneously erupting volcanoes, and of course cloud-people who are in love.

Here is an exciting piece in which a woman's hair is also a waterfall!

Or how can we forget this devastating masterpiece, in which a 100' tall woman emerges from the sea, while the smoke from a smoldering volcano becomes not one but EIGHT giant bald eagles?

And no discussion of Jim Warren's genius is complete without his greatest hit, Romantic Day.

Is your mind intact, dear reader? It may not be by the time you finish viewing this:

The attentive art critic may have noticed the following:

*two lovers walking hand-in-hand into the ocean
*two lovers, as generated by the crashing waves, making out
*two dolphins, inexplicably surfacing from the water
*two volcanoes, simultaneously erupting
*two lovers in the clouds, also about to make out
*and, most mind-shattering of all, it is SOLD!

If you are disgusted, gentle reader, look away. However, if you are ready to gaze unblinkingly into the unstoppable powerforce of the FUTURE ITSELF, you can view Jim's website.

Make sure your speakers are on, or you might miss the sound of the whinnying horses that accompanies the page loading!